I know I've been slacking. I promised you weekly blogs. I broke my promise. And anything I say past this point is just an excuse but damn it, you deserve an explanation. Man, I thought 2017 and 2018 were hard, those years were a cake walk...
2020 has been hard on all of us. I agree. I'm not trying to earn your pity or tell you that my year has been worse than yours, I'm just here to share. Also, I really do hope your year isn't going this bad. I hope you're staying safe in quarantine, surrounded by your loved ones, with minimal to none psychological repercussions. I am definitely going to need therapy when this is over.
I started out the year having lost my mother, who was not only my best friend, but my world. Ok, that sounds unhealthy and excessive but we really did have a very strong bond. I lost her right before Christmas, which has always been a tough holiday for me because broken family and all that jazz. I then proceeded to ring in the new year with the Flu, a double ear infection, and strep (also, I'm not entirely unconvinced I didn't have COVID-19). I then began to realize that I couldn't afford to live alone on my salary in South West Florida and am too much of a pain in the ass to live with roommates, I can absolutely admit that. Then my rent was being raised because well, when it rains, it pours. But wait, there's more! I also crashed into a parked car. That was January.
I rekindled an old friendship that ended up budding into something romantic (which has literally been the best thing to happen to me in a long time), but he lived in South Alabama. It was only 800 some odd miles away. I started to feel very alone because the very active lifestyle I had led until that point had become nonexistent since I couldn't afford to go out with my friends anymore and I couldn't really afford the extra gas to get to my gym (or playground), whatever you want to call it. I longed for community. I needed it to heal my wounds, to carry me for a little while until I was strong enough to hold my own weight again. I decided to move back to Mobile, AL. I knew I had more family that I could be around, more friends, more support and a new life. I also knew I could realistically unburden myself financially if I came back here. Done with February.
I started to pack. I quit my job, which was toxic anyways. I used all of my savings to move. My rental fell through, my backup fell through, and my new boyfriend who hadn't seen me in 2.5 years decided to step up to the plate and get a place with me. And that was terrifying for both of us. We rented a shitty ass little house. Coronavirus started to shake the world, and I knew I had to move before the impending apocalypse. No, really though, I don't think I would've handled that solitude very well at that point in my life. I purged. I got rid of SO MUCH STUFF. And it STILL didn't all fit in the truck and I ended up having to leave things behind the day of the move. I know those were material things but some of them held special memories. Some of them were my mothers. Some of them would've kept me sane through the quarantine (listen, I just didn't know). We drove through the night, making it to Mobile the day they closed the borders. Moved right through March.
April was ok. I spent most of my time cleaning, cooking and unpacking. I learned that I can be domestic af. But it was still really hard, processing the move and losing my mom and starting this new life. I couldn't see my friends, I couldn't see my family. I was isolated but I was determined. I got rid of even more stuff. I purged some more. Mostly because we just don't have the space for all of it. (And also because I may or may not have an unhealthy obsession with clothes...Listen, I don't judge you...)
Mother's Day was really hard. I put on a brave face for everyone but I felt very broken. I found a job in May, and the distraction proved to be a blessing.
June. A family member called me and told me that because I am a democrat (I tried to explain to them that I am not a democrat but they continued on) and a (n word) lover, that I would be lined up with the rest of them and shot on the day of reckoning. Yea, don't try to tell me racism doesn't exist, you're barking up the wrong tree.
People started to be more lenient about being careful, and that second wave hit. My best friend caught the RONA. I followed suit shortly after, although I didn't catch it from him. Yes, I had COVID-19 just in time for my birthday. Hooray to 32. That was the toughest 2 weeks of my entire life, psychologically. Being so sick and having to stay alone in a room while my puppies were just outside the door and my honey was out there too. I really wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I survived July.
August. When I was finally freed from my quarantine, my dog, Lulu started to act like her hips were hurting. She had also just had a birthday, and even though 11 is old for a dog, she really had never acted like she was that old. True to her Jack Russell roots, she was very active and healthy. Joke's on me. 2 weeks. That was all it took. Again. Just like my mom. The vet couldn't find anything wrong with her hips, we decided to treat her pain like a slipped disc even though her x-rays seemed to be clear. A week later I was rushing her back to the Emergency Vet, unresponsive. Turned out to be some sort of cancer and the procedure to save her was just out of my reach financially, and not to mention, they said it would only prolong her life a month or so but she would never return to being her annoying self. Are you *u@King kidding me? I had to put my baby to sleep and it has completely wrecked me. I don't have any children, so this was like losing my baby.
I will survive this. And I will continue to press on. Life goes on and all that. But I am tired. I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially exhausted.
Please excuse my silence. I will continue to post throughout the remainder of the year, but it will probably not be on a weekly basis. 2020, I'm really done with you. I've met my quota on catastrophes and I can't take anymore. And for those of you who feel me on the whole *u@k 2020 thing, there's a song by Avenue Beat that goes with it. You should check it out. It should be the anthem for the year.
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